I've Got a New Attitude

Stepping up my Game, Chris Pratt-style.

Facing Frustration...day after day after day...
Oh, I face it all right. I face it every morning. I stare it directly in the face. It beams up at me with blue LED lit numbers. Then sometimes flips me the bird by turning red. Yup, it turns RED when you gain and then rubs it in your face.

I'm speaking of my scale, of course.

Not my tootsies.

I have been strictly following ketogenic dietary rules for 5 weeks with absolutely no results. My clothes fit the same. I'm tired, grumpy, and hungry all the time. And the scale never changed. NEVER. Five weeks of a calorie and carb restriction, and NOTHING?! REALLY?!

*Chucks scale across room*

Not to mention the 9 miles of running  added into my workout schedule.

I finally hit the wall and threw my hands up in the air. I've accepted that my body is changed forever since the miscarriage. Not that I am unable to heal, lose weight, and build muscle...but I cannot do it the old way. And I cannot do it alone.

Strive for Progress, Not Perfection
I've always attacked my fitness and weight loss goals on my own. Tracked my own calories. Did my own research. Sweated through my own crazy in the gym. And previously, it worked! The times have changed, though. I have changed and I don't want to do it alone. I can't. Trust me, that is superbly difficult for me to admit. But saying it takes such a load off my shoulders. I have also realized a few more truths:

• I do not need to stipulate timeframes for progress.
• Before, I could push my limits, taper, and cram for success so that I could celebrate on that final day. That day has looooong past. Trying to put a deadline on my results has just turned me into a wild-monster-person who is full of fear and frustration.
• I can no longer follow through with severely restrictive diets; whether it be calories or carbs.
• My body and metabolism have changed. I have to be okay with that. This means I need to reevaluate the way I absorb nutrients and use them to my advantage!
• I need and WANT help!
• On the last day I stepped on the scale--hungry, tired, and sad--with nothing to show for it, I knew it was time to reach out for help. To set new goals, new standards, and a new relaxed sensibility. 

The Next Chapter

Help is on the way! Through the assistance of Eat to Perform, I am being introduced to a brave new world of calories, carb intake and timing. Here I have coaches and other members to discuss challenges and establish a baseline for my Macros. I can bounce ideas off of people and have these coaches look over my work when I'm frustrated! (Or hopefully, when I'm successful!)

I have also reexamined my goals, which no longer revolve around an arbitrary number on a scale. What's the point of "145" if it doesn't feel good or look good?

Because that's the truth of the matter. I want to look good, feel good, and be a good example. The numbers on the scale could really end up meaning nothing at all if I can pull a Chris Pratt...or a Paul Rudd!

Okay, okay, okay: I'm not actually looking for a 6-pack or an epic man-physique. I mean, I'm a lady. BUT, I would like to make a change. And a big one. A healthy one. A happy one. I wan to swap a little squish for some muscle. I want to kick ass on my strict pull ups. I want to hike ridiculously awful terrains with the man I love. I want buy and enjoy a bikini (And then invest in a spray tan because I may blind people). 

This new chapter in my book is going to be about lean muscle, eating well, and living in the NOW. This moment matters just as much as the ones in the future. Life isn't on hold until I "reach my goals." It's going to be about adventures and workouts and protein and power and fun and sweat. It's going to be awesome.

And maybe in a few months, I'll get back on the scale. Just for shits and giggles. But that will be the least of my worries.

-Be Cool, Soda Pop-

The Way of the Bear

Of all the animals sacred to the Druids and Celts, the bear seems to be the very first of animals to be honored and revered. It was an emblem or symbol of the warrior caste. A constellation was named for it--Ursus Major, The Great Bear.

It's time for the mourning period to end.  I've decided. This doesn't mean that the sadness disappears, but it can take a step back. At first, the sadness pushed me to "do." I couldn't just sit in my darkness. In order to make the reasonable choice to relax and heal, I had to make the irrational choice to rush through important exams and applications to grad schools. I packed my schedule with work and obligations, certifications and deadlines; filling the void to the point of bursting, and now I'm breaking down due to sickness. But the tests are over, the due dates have been met, and I'm back to just having to deal with being me. 

The pesky five pounds from pregnancy and sadness-induced indulgence aren't going away on their own. And at this point, they are just a sad reminder of what could have been. The pain and swelling are gone, so I don't have an excuse to avoid the gym. I am perfectly capable of taking back control of my body, but it has to start with a choice. The choice to move forward, the choice to work hard again, the choice that is hard to make. Taking responsibility is hard because it means I can't point fingers if I fail anymore. There's no safety net of blame, just my own effort-based results and set backs. My happiness and my health work hand in hand; they always have. When I work out and eat right, I feel better. Don't we all? My motivation returns. And I'm positive that I'm far more pleasant to be around. I have a consistent fear that "not being at my best" will drive away the things that I love. Seems reasonable enough, "if you're not enjoyable to be around, why would anyone stay?" Or, "if you fall behind while others progress forward, who would choose to fall back with you?" It's a lonely sentiment, and far too dramatic for my taste when I read the words back to myself, but being willing to face the monsters is the first step to realizing that they aren't real.

So what has helped before? Reaching into my tool belt of past success is both helpful and a bummer. Warmer weather and sunshine are the easiest pick-me-up. Sadly, it's the middle of February. Experimenting with food will provide me with a positive runner up. Getting back to the basics with The Whole28.5 is the perfect plan, but this isn't a time in my life when I should force myself into boring, routine meals. I officially accept the challenge to create new dishes, play with interesting recipes, and allow for some fun in our daily menu through variety, not "cheats." This gives me homework and due dates. 

Next is a plan of action in the gym.  Creating the schedule and sticking to it. This doesn't have to get too philosophical, because in the end it's the basic math. Looking forward to getting back to some Barbell programming and finishing dead last every time during the CrossFit Open. What's important is that I'm showing up, doing the work, and staying committed. This ask me for accountability.

I love their love.

Lastly (for now, I don't want to ask too much too soon), is to truly respect and enjoy my "down time." Especially with Grad School hopefully in my future, I need to soak up this time I have that isn't devoted to work or working out. Especially time together with my partner. We easily get sucked into distractions and technology when we're at home and we don't admit it until we haven't really "seen each other" for almost a week. We've been there in the same room, but not really spending time together. We ALL do it. I know you're thinking about it now...yup, you do it, too. It's particularly difficult in the winter months, with apposing schedules, and personal goals, but we have to be honest: relationships--whether there are with your partners, friends, family--they deserve work, too. It's a misconception that your "perfect" relationship requires no effort. That's malarkey! You should find yourself with someone where your love comes naturally, YES. But you should also feel that kind of love deserves care, respect, and effort. Our recent heartbreaking loss has only fueled my desire to bring my best self to our relationship and thoroughly appreciate and honor the fact that my fella has chosen to love me. Through the sadness and all of its shortcomings.  This pushes me to be present.

The grizzly has long been known for its strength and ferocity. Although it can be quite fierce, it is not naturally aggressive. 

It is time to revitalize my own ferocity without having to be aggressive. This isn't about punishment, or masochism, or distraction. It's  just time to go back to being my best self. Time to absorb the goodness, support, and inspiration around me. Hibernation is over. Now let's be the bear.

-Be cool, Soda Pop-

A Grizzly Bear Lost in the Blizzard

This morning felt like a dream.  I woke up after sleeping in late...opening my eyes at a whopping 6:45am. The dogs and I padded downstairs, and as I sent them out to the backyard, I noticed the most pleasant dusting of snow. It didn't feel real. Just days ago, the weather was warm and wet. In this dream, just floating around the kitchen, I turned to pull the coffee out of the cabinet when I remembered, "Wait, you know you can't have that..."

"...because you're pregnant."

Then the dogs barked at a neighborly cat and I caught the reflection of my bed-head, waking me to the fact that this truly was just Wednesday morning and not a dream at all. It did snow a little last night. And I'm totally pregnant.
- Wednesday, January 13, 2016

***

Well, I was.
I soared through Christmas while pregnant and New Year's Eve. I started this year bright and excited while pregnant. I bunkered down through a blizzard while pregnant. I made it hopeful and terrified to just three days before crossing the line into the second trimester, after receiving worrisome news a week before, when the pain started while pregnant. This weekend was going to be when we announced it. Officially 12 weeks (LMP) on the last Sunday of January, as we believed it was "safer" to keep it a secret until now. But instead of bouncing out of bed with excitement to craft the perfect front page news of my life, I wake up sadly to the searing daily pain of miscarriage.

I know that there are women who have made harder goodbyes. I have known strong, resilient women who lost their babies right before birth. They referred to their baby by name, painted the baby's room,  started a college fund, allowed their own bodies to change and ache with pregnancy, just to lose that life before they could ever meet. I have known powerful and transcendent women who even then had to deliver that child knowing there was no life to be had, no first touches, no first cries, no real goodbyes. And many of us, too, have known women who have lost children years later. Children that provided them with love and memories and heartache and headaches and joy. I do believe that there is no harder or truer pain than outliving your own child.

But until this point in my life, "miscarriage" was a word said under your breath, quickly, and then erased from memory. There is no mention of its possibility at your first OB/Midwife appointment, just discussion of the bubbles and sunshine of the life you are sure to create and bring in to this world 9 months later. As a woman, I was aware of the possibility simple because it is the horror that "happens to other women." It is the scary story we tell ourselves to make sure we stop drinking coffee and alcohol, and start eating better and sign up for our first prenatal yoga class. If we do that, obviously, we won't miscarry. There is no measured and factual speech that 80% of miscarriages happen within the first 12 weeks, and that 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. This doesn't even include those that miscarry before they know they are pregnant. First pregnancies are precariously predisposed to miscarriage, but SSSSSHHHHH!!! We cannot openly give women this information so that they can calmly and sanely prepare for this possible outcome. Instead we buy baby books and eat ice cream and pick names. And that of course, is wonderful. It's amazing. Getting to have a baby is magnanimous. Preparing for a baby (at least the fun parts) is like making every day your birthday. Thus, a loss pulls you down from your highest heights into a deep, dark hole of lonely sadness, guilt, and confusion.


We had a week of blind worry after my first ultrasound. I had planned to go surprise my mother afterwards with that first darling "photo," the print out they supposedly give you that you can put on your refrigerator or blast on social media. I had made up some bogus errands I needed to do in Jersey and told my little mama to meet me. It was freezing cold that morning and I paid $5 in quarters to park as I arrived a half hour early. The ultrasound was absolutely nothing as I suspected. I didn't wait long, but the imaging process itself was silent and cold except for the beeping of the machine and the intense tapping of the tech's fingers on the keys. She finished the abdominal ultrasound and I wasn't shown the screen or told anything except she would be back to also perform a transvaginal imaging. That process was also silent and distant. On the day I expected to see my 10 week, 3 day old baby, I am shown nothing and told, "yeah...this looks more like 6 weeks. We're all done here. Your doctor will call you."

A quick conversation leads to 3 blood draws leading to another ultrasound a week later, and just overwhelming, soul-crushing fear. Oh, and a blizzard. Scott actually refers to this as the weekend of "Google Hell." When the snow trapped us in a world of not-knowing, we both got lost in the one thing you shouldn't do: Googling for Answers. It was an honest to god nightmare. Then when the weekend and snow passed, Monday morning started the results. All news we received in the next 3 days was bad, but we were never counseled in preparation for miscarriage. Just "let's wait and hope." So Wednesday rolls around and my love and I wait in the darkened ultrasound room,  as another tech silently performs the ultrasound. Scott can see the screen, but really who knows what they are looking at? I am shown and told nothing. She prepares to just leave the room, just repeating the pain of a week before, but Scott pulls it out of her, "So no heartbeat?"
"No heartbeat."

This story is not new. Couples have received more difficult news. But the way my heart broke that morning still laying on that table was astronomical. It was a loss of love that I have never experienced in my entire life. The minutes, hours, days after have only been waves of grief that range from quick silent tears to unstoppable, blood boiling anger. The lack of knowledge of what lay ahead for us was absurd. Not knowing how long it would truly take. Miscarriage is not a "whoopsie." It's not that one moment you are pregnant, and the next you're not. It is a long process of waiting and worry and pain. The process, the discomfort, the grief, the body aches, the moments of love and planning and attempting to move on;  then searing, awful, back-breaking agony that ends you in the Emergency Room.

Well, at least that was me. That was yesterday. I will spare you the agony of yesterday. However, I promise, this is not me skirting the subject or sparing the details. Obviously, I will share, I will teach, I will warn, while providing comfort and knowledge and hope for the future--but it doesn't have to be here. The only thing I have to say about yesterday, 7.5 hours in the ER,  is this:

There is no part of me that could have made it through that day without the love, support, hand-holding, joke-making, and kindness of my partner-in-crime, the father of the child we lost, my best friend and the love of my life.

He was and continues to be the hero that has helped me through all of this chaos. In fact, he's sitting next to me right now still making me laugh.

***

As I have said, this story is not new. But the fact is, it's true. It happens and we don't talk about it. You don't hear from couples, women, family, friends that they have suffered through the pain of miscarriage until you yourself are boiling in the sadness and confusion. Miscarriage is a dirty evil word that we dare not speak before or during pregnancy. "If you say it, it'll happen." Miscarriage is the curse.  Women will feel remorse for you, but we cannot share in the details or discuss the possibilities...not if we want to have our own kids, or more kids, or if we want our kids to have kids. "We can't...or it will happen to us. Possibly again. But you wouldn't know, because we never told anyone."

We intend to have children. We will have a family. And yes, I did miscarry. And I will talk about it to anyone who has questions, is worried, or would simply like to prepare for the fact that miscarriage is extremely common, can be painful both mentally and physically, but can surely be overcome. You will learn more about yourself, your partner, and your heart-driven plans for the future through pregnancy. Whether is lasts 12 weeks or 40. Whether you get to hold that little baby in your arms, or simply remember the sweet little Grizzly Bear you lost. 

In honor of our Grizzly.

 I suggest starting here. A friend from long ago wrote a moving article on her own loss and a year in reading. She herself is an amazing writer, author of Vivian Apple at the End of the World , Vivian Apple Needs a Miracle; and her short fiction has won the Pushcart Prize and been featured in Best American Non-Required Reading. This article is based in her world of vivid and beautiful words through this hardship, plus the books that got her through it.

Maintaining not Gaining: The Future is Yours

Maintaining not Gaining:

The Future is Yours.

'Tis the last Monday of January and the final installment of the "Maintaining not Gaining" mini series! Wahoooooooooo! We're doing it! We've all held on for four weeks of good habits, cleaner eating, exercise and more water than you could ever imagine drinking. And fingers crossed, the spirit of the New Year and the boundless possibilities kept this maintenance pretty relaxed and easy. Using that energy of opportunity is our greatest ally in setting up the trend of health.

However, now we realize: there are 11 months of opportunity left. 

You may start feeling that the gild is off the lily. These four weeks weren't awful, but you have to work and sleep and watch Downtown Abbey and that stuff is a lot easier to do when you skip the gym and order takeout.

And that's okay. Maintaining is not meant to be a year long plan...because, well, it can get boring! And we will surely become complacent, and then after that, sneaky.  Maintenance is for our "in between times." 2016 has so much in store and now that we've proven we can handle the day to day with ease, now it's time to add in the excitement to make this year friggin' awesome.

I know what you're about to say, "Rachel, you told us to ditch resolutions this year! Now you want us loading up visions of grandeur again?"

Not exactly.
It's true, I find that resolutions and long-winded goal-setting that really ask to much of a person are just disasters waiting to happen. "I'm going to lose 50 pounds this year." "I will do a Marathon, though I just started running!" Or even worse, the wishy-washy, non-quantifiable resolutions, "I will start going to to the gym," or "I will ride my bike more."

No, this is not my advice!

These are wishes really. It is TOTALLY possible for a person to lose those 50 pounds, run that marathon, go to the gym consistently and ride that bike every day. But those "goals" are asking too much without smaller stepping stones of progress along the way. Those stones are what this girl is talking about. I like to refer to them as targets.

No, I am not asking you give up on those long term goals and lower your expectations. HELL NO! Always dream big, baby! But let's start here with some fun targets to hit and feel like rock stars!  These can all act as a catalyst to your Big Kahuna target. The Boss Level, if you will. It's just important to give yourself chances for success throughout the year or through the process of your dream finale. It makes the hard work that much more exciting and fulfilling!

The final task of "Maintaining not Gaining" : Find your First Target

The Big Kahuna

The world is your oyster when it comes to your first target! I suggest making it a plan for the next 1-3 months. How about signing up for some kind of activity or event? Or buy a class card at your gym/yoga studio/spin class and commit! Just some quick suggestions:

• Train for a 5k
• Sign up for your first Weightlifting or CrossFit Competition
• Buy a 5 or 10 class card at a local Yoga studio and use them ALL in 1 month!
• Purge your closets and wardrobe of the unnecessary/doesn't fit/will never wear
• When the weather breaks, do the initial prep and planting for your Spring garden

I would absolutely LOVE to hear what your first target is, so please share with us! You can comment here, email me at rachel@rachelpinkstone.com, or find me on Facebook and let me know! 

Want to know what my first target is? 

Well, then check back in soon as we start up the next topic on the blog. I will share with you my next steps as Winter rolls in and out of these parts. ;) For now: Congratulations on a job well done through these 8 weeks of Maintaining not Gaining!

You are awesome.

-Be cool, Soda Pop - 

Maintaining Not Gaining: Bouncing Back

Maintaining Not Gaining:

Bouncing Back 

It's hypnotic.

Welcome back from the mayhem of the holidays, friends! 'Tis the next installment of our 4 Part Mini-Series: Maintaining Not Gaining...and I'm sure we all had our good choices...as well as our "less awesome" decisions through the holiday festivities, feasts, fetes, and family fun. Lucky for all of us, it's an unwritten human rule that we all get to "Bounce Back" in January. We have a whole month to explore different eating plans and fitness routines. You'll be bombarded with flyers for $10 gym memberships, free yoga classes, and a whole new slew of (insert popular diet/fitness campaign) gurus just waiting to show you the light! And HEY! I say try them all! (Well, within reason...I'm happy to share in a future post my not-so-enthused feelings on things like the Master Cleanse and Fitness shakes, etc.) Really, why not use this month of "new beginnings" to get back in the saddle with your fitness routine and start up those Whole28.5 Style grocery lists!

Oh New Planner, I love you.

Or, if you're already an avid athlete, but let things slide over the holidays, open up that fancy new Day Planner I know that your mother got you for (insert appropriate holiday) and start jotting down your fitness schedule--and stick to it. I want this stuff written in pen, people!

Along with the suggestion of color coding your day planner (seriously, it's the only way I remember every thing!), here's just three reminders on how to keep yourself... 

On Track to Bounce Back:

Water, Water, Everywhere...

I know, I sound like a broken record, right? But I promise you, there is some sound method to my madness. I may be wrong, but I feel safe in saying that within the past few weeks you've absorbed more cocktails than bottles of water. Maybe there was an extra cheat meal, or higher allowances of processed food (laden with sodium) and carbs just zapping up your H20 and leaving you dehydrated. Well, water is a TOTAL quick fix! Grab the water bottles, fill 'em up, and take 'em down.
I mean it. It will make a world of difference!

Ugh, Cardio.

Okay, I'm not saying you have to sign yourself up for a marathon (but power to you if you do!), but getting your heart pumping is another easy kick start to this year. Add in a run, a row, some jump rope, or jazzercise your little heart out! Easing back into your heavy programming or conditioning work could benefit from a quick calorie burn each week, at least to start. Just to burn through those glycogen stores from the luxurious holiday dinners and pie you simply couldn't resist. Then if it's GAINZ season, you go ahead and you get your GAINZ!!!

Freshen Up.

I don't mean under your arms, I'm sure you smell divine. I mean dive back into the world of FRESH fruits and veggies. Throw in a salad with your hunk of meat. Get back in the habit of making fruit your sweet snack. December often comes filled to the brim with rich, creamy, heavy foods. Think casseroles. Seriously, think about them. Moving on! Let's lighten the load here and clean house. Hell, you can shove both fruits AND veggies in blender and probably come out with something pretty darn refreshing!


Seriously, my friends, that's all. I'm sure you have plenty of plans and spreadsheets or dream journals filled with your next steps for 2016. That's amazing! Take a deep breath and get back into the groove one step at a time. I'm not one for Resolutions. I think trying to give yourself one mammoth "goal" for a year is a recipe for disaster, but I'm a big supporter of Intentions...I'm a yoga teacher, after all. Start designing your intentions for just this month. That's all we need! The future will flourish and grow and change and be awesome. We can do this.

Because, don't forget:

You are awesome.

Keep your eyes peeled before the end of January for the last installment of

Maintaining Not Gaining!

-Be Cool, Soda Pop-